I was about to write my first blog in forever and noticed this was something I wrote roughly 4 years ago and never published. I am not as brave as some to share their emotions/ struggles. But here it is...
Sometimes it is hard to put into words how I feel about the rituals we have created in the loss of our son, but it is the one way we can still hold on to him and try to make him feel like he is special, loved, and not forgotten.
Making a family has been important to my husband and I. Growing up I always wanted a family of 6...mom/dad and 4 kiddos. It is crazy to think I am on my 4th pregnancy, but my childhood dream has had a few bumps and roads and many people I interact with think I only have 1 child and a 2nd on the way. That is one of the many hard parts of pregnancy/infant loss the questions of how many children do you have, is this your first one (common question when people see you pregnant)? Sometimes I say no I have two other children (but that comes with further explanation) or sometimes I say I just have one because I don't want to compliment things. Every time I say just one I grinch inside, and regret it right away, but I guess I do it out of not making the other person feel uncomfortable or complicate things.
The majority of my family and friends have had pretty smooth pregnancies, which I am so grateful for, but the world of infant lose has placed me in the minority of women that have lost a child either through miscarriage, early labor, stillbirth, genetics, SIDS or women trying to get pregnant with no success.
My journey has been a rollercoaster for sure.
Nov. 21st, 2015- incompetent cervix, bed rest for 2.5 weeks, 23 weeks birthed and said goodbye to our first son, David.
June 2016- miscarriage at 7.5 weeks (heartbeat stopped), followed by a D&C.
July 25th, 2017- birth to our beautiful 2nd son Henry...this pregnancy required a cerclage, weekly shots, and early induction, eventual c-section due to preeclampsia.
Jan. ? 2019- the hopeful healthy arrival our our 3rd son...cerclage, weekly shots, heart scare, and aspirin to prevent the preeclampsia.
Some people have experienced even greater scares and loses than what is presented above and it breaks my heart knowing that people suffer even greater than me. I got through my rollercoaster with the strength of my husband, family/friends, a great support group through Alexanders House, and the amazing staff at St. Lukes Maternal-Fetal Medicine.
I love the life my husband and I created. It has its ups and downs for sure like any family, but I am happy, Henry is the center of much of our happiness and excited what January could possibly bring; and excited to create amazing new memories to the Fossoh photo-book and legacy.
But losing David I have become a skeptic and anxious person at times, especially with pregnancies and health. I will present myself as relaxed and hopeful and sometimes I am, but my brain goes a mile a min. on what could happen. I will probably continue to have flash backs on the birth of David, PTSD style; amazing how that night/early morning is engraved in my mind. I will probably cry once a month in my car because of those flashbacks. These are things that will never go away, but I am okay with that because as sad as it sounds part of that memory is David's face.
4 years later...
Ethan was born on Jan. 22nd 2019 and currently 3 and turns 4 in a few months These 3/4 years have flown by with so much Joy of watching our two boys grow up together.
Last March (2022) we had some shocking news...we were pregnant again. We have had the discussion on if we were going to try for another or not, but we came to conclusion due to age, cost, emotion that comes with each pregnancy, etc. we were content and happy where we were in life. So with failed birth control we had a pretty big shock this past Spring.
It took awhile to wrap our heads around it, but took it as another blessing and ready to start the difficult journey again. Another cerclage put in @ 13 weeks, progesterone pills, aspirin and hoping for the best. Everything was going pretty smoothly until I failed the glucose test twice and here I am taking my blood sugar 4 times a day and on insulin until the baby comes. Never easy. It has brought a lot of PTSD from David and worry that the baby will be okay; the continued thought that my body continues to fail me while I am pregnant. The off and on morning cries are back again.
I pray each day everything will go smoothly and we will be blessed with our Baby Girl (Yes Girl!) on November 1st.
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